The Other Woman's Shoes (Adele Parks)*

Adele Parks is a very popular and successful writer so I was really expecting to enjoy this book. And, to be fair, I did enjoy the first page and a half. I absolutely loved the opening line. It wasn’t an especially witty or original or exciting line but it did mention the words ‘Earl’s Court station’ so naturally I was hooked.

I also quite liked the central character, Martha. True, she wasn’t enjoying being at the tube station, which immediately shows you she’s a completely different person from me but I could identify with the not liking stairs part. Also, getting stressed over going to the hairdresser's is exactly the sort of thing I’d get stressed over (if I ever went to the hairdresser’s) and I can definitely relate to not wanting to create a scene. Unfortunately with me, scenes get created all by themselves but I can understand Martha’s not wanting it.

The blurb tells you that sisters Martha and Eliza have split up from their partners and Martha wants fun and Eliza wants a husband. But I don’t think the blurb should have told you that. The blurb should really tell you about something that happens near the beginning of the book. The blurb is your taster, the thing you’re waiting for when you start to read the book. You don’t really want to be waiting half the book for it to happen.

It’s not until about halfway through that the blurb becomes even slightly true. Martha has no interest in fun for ages and even when she is she’s more interested in the provider of the fun than the enjoyment itself. As for Eliza, she never really at any point wants a husband. She does trawl through Martha’s address book in search of a suitable man but it seems to me that all she really wants is a shag.

But that’s a problem with the blurb and Parks probably isn’t responsible for that – although if there was enough excitement in the story leading up to these events, maybe it wouldn’t have mattered what the blurb said.

One of the most important things for me in a book is the characters. I want to like them. At the very least, I want to be rooting for them. But that didn’t really happen. Martha got on my nerves so much and some of the things she does made me cringe with embarrassment. Usually, I don’t even notice when someone has done something embarrassing but seriously, I just wanted to shut my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see what the crazy woman was going to do next. I’d be lying if I said I’d never done anything embarrassing, everyone does it sometimes but Martha is (I hope) so much worse than me.

Martha is also completely self-obsessed. I accept that when your husband leaves you it’s probably a bit of a shock and you might well spend months weeping and wailing but after a while I stopped feeling sympathetic and I just wanted one of the other characters to shake her. The problem isn’t so much that she’s upset, that’s natural (although I’m sure she’s milking it at least a little bit) but Martha isn’t just upset, she stops showing even the smallest amount of consideration for anyone else.

I don’t usually mind when characters have emotional breakdowns. I actually rather like it. The feeling of being drawn into someone’s crisis can (at least when it’s fiction) makes very enthralling (if not strictly enjoyable) reading. I don’t mind too much when it happens in real life either. Most of the people I know have tried to kill themselves and I don’t get annoyed about that. With Martha, it just seems like self-indulgence and attention-seeking. There is no real sense of sadness in Martha’s words or actions – my sympathy was for the poor people who have to put up with her.

Even when Martha meets Jack and starts having wild sex with him, she doesn’t change. She’s still needy and demanding. I don’t blame Eliza for being convinced that Jack’s just with her for the sex. The way she behaves with Jack is so embarrassing at times, it actually hurts (I don’t see what was wrong with the Crunchie though) but it’s the way she treats Eliza that really bothers me.

Eliza, like Martha, has just lost a long-term partner, Greg. But whilst Michael has (perhaps understandably!) walked out on Martha, Eliza has taken the decision to leave herself. So she goes to her sister Martha’s house, discovers Michael has walked out and has to spend the next few months looking after Martha and her children. Martha doesn’t even consider that Eliza might be upset too and Eliza just has to push her own feelings aside and pretend everything’s fine.

Just because Eliza wanted to leave, it doesn’t mean she’s not going to be hurting. She probably did love Greg at one stage, even if she doesn’t now so she’s still lost someone she loved. And even if she’s completely happy to have left him, her life will still have changed quite a lot. That must be a lot to cope with even if you don’t have to start babysitting your sister, not to mention your niece and nephew. Maybe Martha’s problems serve as a timely distraction for Eliza but Martha really doesn’t give her much choice in the matter. Martha comes first and it seems as though she feels Eliza’s problems don’t matter. (She does kind of realise quite near the end that maybe she’s been a bit selfish but it’s a bit late by then.)

Eliza isn’t as bad as Martha. She does seem to be a very kind and patient person. But to a great extent, she’s hardly in the book. You don’t get much sense of her personality except what other people tell you. Eliza is just Martha’s live-in babysitter with almost no life of her own. Either she’s comforting Martha or she’s trying to shag one of Martha’s friends. It’s not much of a storyline.

I do like Martha’s boyfriend Jack though. He seems like a really nice, kind guy but at the same time he isn’t a total drip. Which is a shame in a way because I do like my drips but it’s not me who has to sleep with him. I can believe a lot of women would love him as he is. He’s a bit of an unrealistic character but it’s not completely impossible there are men in the world like him. Unlike Eliza, I got the impression he actually like Martha as a person – although fuck knows why.

Then there’s the dialogue. When something bad happens in real life, I think a lot of people start talking in clichés because they’re really struggling to put their thoughts into words. But when people start talking in clichés in a book or on TV it can just end up being really funny and that spoils the atmosphere a bit. Parks’ dialogue reads like EastEnders. To begin with, I didn’t mind it so much as it was making me laugh but after a while it stopped being funny and just became annoying.

The dialogue wasn’t the biggest problem though - a lot of the time there wasn’t any dialogue. Sometimes Parks will just tell you what happened without getting into all the details of what could have been a very interesting conversation. There are also a lot of anecdotes about past events which is fine in moderation but when it happens a lot, it gets in the way of the story. She’s also one of those writers who tells you what you’re supposed to think of each character. I’d rather make up my own mind really but to be fair she does say some things I agree with. I don’t agree that Martha is a wonderful, lovely, giving, kind person but I can’t argue when Parks says she’s being embarrassing.

The book also seemed to try a bit too hard to mislead the readers. It’s fine to disguise a situation a bit, for the author to describe in a way that makes you think one thing when the truth it something different. But Parks doesn’t just hint, she tells you fairly directly what’s going on, only to contradict herself later on. Sometimes I actually found I was reading back, wondering if I was going mad or something. Instead of thinking ‘oh, of course that’s how it is’ I was thinking ‘That’s not what you said before, look’.

I won’t say too much about the ending. Not that I especially want to encourage anyone to read this book but all I’ll say is that if I’d liked the characters, the ending Parks chose would have been the ending I wanted most. But that doesn’t make it the right one. In the short-term, it’s satisfying but in the long-term, I think they’re heading for divorce.

But finally, I must say something about the title. It implies a sort of role-swap for Martha and Eliza but that is another thing that never really takes place. Martha starts going out clubbing (yes, at her age!) but this isn’t so much Martha turning into Eliza as Martha trying to be her teenage self. Eliza does end up doing some of Martha’s motherly duties but that’s only because they’re pretty much forced on her.

I’m sure there are some good things about this book but the only times I weren’t bored were when I was really annoyed.

Girl with a One Track Mind (Abby Lee)***

Abby Lee is obsessed with sex. Completely and utterly obsessed. She can’t even look at a man without thinking about his cock. Sometimes catching a sight of her naked reflection in a mirror is enough to turn her on because she can’t help imagining what it would be like if there was a naked man with her.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with girls being obsessed with sex. Whatever makes you happy. Except she’s not happy because she’s not getting enough sex. There’s nothing wrong with it though. And good for her for being so honest about what she wants.

You could call Abby a tart with a heart – but that wouldn’t tell you very much. Besides, I don’t think she is a tart. Maybe I’m wrong but for me tartiness suggests an element of unnaturalness. More about being seen as someone who has lots of sex rather than a desire actually to have it. Abby is one of the most completely natural people I’ve ever known of and the more you read, the more you see how much more there is to her than sex.

She is also an incredibly nice person. She’s caring, a good friend, and while sex is very high on her List of Important Things to Do, she does care about personality too and she isn’t so completely desperate she’d consider shagging either her best friend’s boyfriend or one of the random tossers who notices she has breasts and feel compelled to point them out.

She can even talk about how intelligent she is without making me want to throw the book across the room. Because she is intelligent, without a doubt. Extremely intelligent. And I worked that out long before she talked about her college grades. Maybe she doesn’t always know what she wants but as soon as she realises she doesn’t know what she wants, she starts using her brain to work out how to get it. Amazing woman. And I’m not just talking about her ability to have constant multiple orgasms although that is undoubtedly amazing too. (I don’t think I’ll ever look at Holloway Road in quite the same way again.)

Lee is a fantastic writer. She’s witty and self-deprecating and she has a lovely turn of phrase. It’s quite amazing how she can describe sex and masturbation and penises and nipples (male and female) in so many different ways and (at least for a while) keep it interesting. As well as writing a thoroughly amusing diary, the book is also interspersed with Comparisons between Big and Small Cocks, and guides for How to Behave at One-Night Stands and What Not to Do if you See a Girl in a Sex Shop. All useful stuff and she makes it funny.

I was a bit surprised though to realise she’d reached her thirties without going to a sex party, experiencing S&M or even kissing a girl. Even I’ve been to a sex party and been chained to the wall as a man kissed me (and I do mean just kissing) and I’m quite innocent really. As for kissing a girl, I’d be lying if I said I’d never done that. Once in a while a girl just jumps on me and as most of them were a little bit mad (well they’d have to be really!) it wouldn’t be a good idea to stop them even if I’d wanted to.

But when you think about it, Abby devotes so much of her life to sex already. It’s hardly surprising really if she hasn’t had the time to be bend backwards over a pommel horse and be soundly whipped (I have bent back over one with my clothes on but I kept hold of the whip and no I didn’t use it on myself, I don’t think self-harming is a very good idea). Why try something new that might be crap when she could be doing her favourite thing in the whole world?

But she literally does spend almost the whole book writing about sex (whether it’s with a man, a woman, one of each, a whole group or with herself) and once you’ve read 20 pages at a time it gets a little bit boring. Get a hobby, woman. Another one, I mean.

And really, anyone who spends quite that much time with soaking wet knickers, for whatever reason, really should consider incontinence pads.

Warning: don’t read this when you’re trying to eat breakfast. If there is one oral activity I love it’s eating and nothing kills the appetite like a pair of wet knickers.

I still love Abby though. I can’t help it, she’s just so lovely. Not to mention sexy. And I bet she’s helped a lot of randy girls to feel a lot more normal.

Jelleyman's Thrown a Wobbly (Jeff Stelling)***

I actually bought this book for my boyfriend but he was working on Christmas Day (I’m not sure whether to write LMAO or AWWW but I’ll go for AWWW because I do like him quite a lot) so I started reading it and then I wouldn’t give it back to him for ages because I enjoyed it so much. It’s not a brilliant book in that it’s probably not going to appeal to people who aren’t football fans or those who don’t have the right sense of humour to appreciate the book’s comedy. But if you’re a football fan and you like jokes that are often dirty (both of which definitely apply to me), this is probably a very good book to read.

It’s not all dirty jokes. As the title suggests, most of the jokes are based on words and language rather than schoolboy sniggering. But unfortunately, there’s so much football in the book, so many incidents of grown men behaving like (extremely funny) teenage boys, this isn’t the sort of book I’d recommend to my mum, even though she really likes linguistic jokes as a rule.

And I love the way the ‘Jelleyman’ in the title of the book just happens to be Welsh footballer Gareth Jelleyman. So it actually took me a while for me to realise the connection between ‘Jelleyman’ and ‘wobbly’ because I was so excited about a Welsh footballer having his name in the title of a book. But I got it in the end.

I do have to make one big major criticism of something Jeff Stelling says at the start. The book is based on a show called Soccer Saturday, in which he and several other panellists watch football matches and when appropriate they shout and groan and try not to swear based on what they’re watching. Whenever there’s a key moment in a game, Stelling asks the relevant panellist to give a report on it. Only, you never get to see the matches – you just get to hear reactions and analysis.

Stelling says that someone who has never seen Soccer Saturday won’t appreciate the book. And this, I’m afraid, Jeff, is a load of bollocks. I have never seen Soccer Saturday in my whole life and I found the book not only comprehensible but hilarious. What’s more, I really want to watch Soccer Saturday and the only reason I don’t watch anything on Sky Sports is because my parents don’t have it. I could get it if I paid for it but it will probably take quite a lot out of my £70 a week. So maybe I’ll stick to Match of the Day, The Football League Show and Late Kick-Off, which have most of the good bits on and don’t require you to pay anything extra.

Being ignorant of Soccer Saturday was not however completely without its disadvantages. In some ways I’d have liked it if the book had taken a more chronological format. This would have given me more of an idea about how the series has progressed over time, which panellists were around at the same time, what the football situation was at that time, things like that. But on the other hand, as Stelling devotes a chapter to each regular panellist (including the ones that aren’t regular anymore), you really get the opportunity to get to know them all a little bit. And that might not have happened to the same extent if it had been chronological and all the anecdotes about them had been dotted about all over the book. But that small quibble certainly didn’t stop me from enjoying the book very much.

I would like to give it more than three stars. In terms of enjoyment it deserves more than that but I do feel this is a hilariously fun book rather than a great piece of writing. But maybe it would seem great if it was printed in a more conventional typeface. Certain fonts just look amateur which probably lowers my opinion of the writing because it’s less easy to read. And it probably would do even if it was used for Pride and Prejudice so Jeff Stelling didn’t have much of a chance.

The Forgotten Garden (Kate Morton)*****

I loved the first Kate Morton book I read, The House at Riverton, so as soon as I saw she’d written another book, I bought it straight away. It’s another multi-generational story, covering more than a hundred years. Cassandra, her grandmother Nell, and a lady called Eliza who is an important part of Nell’s childhood all have their own stories which unfold as you go through the book.

It’s an amazingly complicated structure but Morton does it brilliantly. The chapters jump around between the times but the characters she creates are so strong, it’s very difficult to become confused. The story starts when Nell dies and she leaves Cassandra a house in her will. (There seems to be a bit of a theme about non-English people inheriting houses in England, see When She was Bad if you don’t believe me). Cassandra lives in Australia and as far as she knew Nell has also lived in Australia all her life – Nell actually brought up Cassandra after her tarty mother dumped her – so she’s quite surprised to discover Nell has a house in England. Cassandra travels to England to see the house and to try and solve the mystery of who Nell’s real parents are. At the same time, you read about Nell trying to solve the mystery herself and then you get to see the mysterious Eliza growing up and eventually coming into contact with Nell.

It took me a while to get into the story. The characters – apart from Eliza, who first appeared a short way into the book – were not immediately as likeable and interesting as the characters in The House at Riverton. This book is to a great extent more plot-driven than character-driven – which would usually not be a positive trait but it didn’t matter in The Forgotten Garden. The plot is so fast-paced and exciting, full of twists and turns, you don’t really have space in your brain to worry that the characters aren’t brilliant. As the book progresses, it becames more and more difficult to put it down. Sometimes you can guess in advance what’s going to happen but even when you’re right things are never quite as you expect them to be. And I love how Morton will mention characters in one plotline, only for them to pop up later in the past or future. It’s all so cleverly done and I can’t imagine how much time Morton must have spent putting it all together.

Eliza is an authoress so the book features three of the fairytales she wrote. Usually I hate it when you have to break off from reading the main story in order to read something written by a character. But I couldn’t get annoyed this time. The fairytales were so beautifully told and original too – and they weren’t exactly irrelevant as far as the plot was concerned.

The whole book was wonderfully written. The language Morton uses always sounds so beautiful. One of the most beautiful users of language I have ever read – maybe not right up there with Jane Austen but like Adele Geras she’s not far off. Morton is one of the few writers where I can see in my mind what she’s writing about. Even when she’s spending ages describing something without anything happening it doesn’t matter. I can’t get bored because there’s just too much to enjoy, whether it’s the images she’s creating, the sounds of the words or just the fact that anything could turn out to be a clue to help you solve the mystery.

I just hope Kate Morton writes some more books.

When She was Bad (Louise Bagshawe)***

There’s no doubt that Louise Bagshawe can write. She writes extremely well. Her descriptions are detailed and vivid. I often have trouble ‘seeing’ what writers are describing but it was easy to picture what Bagshawe had in mind, even though she was writing about places I knew nothing about, including some she could have invented for all I know.

Her characters are interesting, her dialogue is witty and you’re never going to get them confused. It’s mostly a serious book but it’s certainly not without humour. When Lita, her main character, goes to work for an advertising firm, Bagshawe describes advertising campaigns that are good or bad, successful and unsuccessful. And she does it convincingly. Her advertising campaigns actually sound like advertising campaigns. When Lita has an idea that is hailed as brilliant by the other characters, I’ve already decided for myself that it’s a great idea. (Okay I have no interest in buying the products but that’s probably more to do with me than the writing.) The plot at times seemed more like a series of episodes but there were plotlines that went all the way through the book and at times it really was enthralling.

So why didn’t I like the book?

The main problem was that I didn’t like the characters. Lita, a Bronx girl who becomes a famous model and then a top advertiser, is cold, hard and on some occasions just nasty. Bagshawe tries to give the impression that she needs to be nasty in order to survive and maybe there’s some truth in that but it never really feels as though Lita is putting on an act.

Also, everything comes to her too easily. Yes, she works her butt off and she is clearly (and believably) intelligent. But it’s not always easy to sympathise with successful characters. From a very early stage in the book I realised that whatever happened, Lita was going to land on her feet, probably within the next few pages. Not only that, she was going to end up somewhere even better than where she was before. So I very quickly stopped worrying about her.

There is another important main character called Becky. She doesn’t appear in about the first third of the book but from that point on maybe just under half the book is from her point of view, half is from Lita’s and there’s a little bit from various other characters. I did like Becky at first. I did feel some sympathy for her when she arrived at the English house she inherited, only to be made to feel very unwelcome by the snobby relatives living in the house at the moment. But then later Becky becomes unrealistically intelligent and competent, full of ideas about things she didn’t have a clue about before. So in the end she’s just a slightly warmer version of Lita.

Their relationships are also rather unconvincing. There’s a total twat called Rupert who dupes Lita and nearly manages to dupe Becky but it just didn’t ring true for me how someone as intelligent as Lita was so completely taken in. Then Lita meets a couple of other men, neither of whom I liked, before finding one who just happened to be right for her. Not that he ever seemed right for her but he was an improvement on the others.

The relationship between Becky and the guy she likes is great at first. I loved the way they disliked each other on sight, yet it was clear they really fancy each other. Then there are lots of arguments and misunderstandings and very occasionally a very short amount of time (maybe two seconds) when they’re actually enjoying each other’s company. But then it gets a bit unrealistic and it’s never really resolved between them.

Another thing I didn't notice myself but which seems worth mentioning is that the book is full of errors (click the title of the review and it should take you to the Amazon reviews). Lita ages five years in the time it takes Becky to age one year. There are references to a song and to linguistic phrases that weren't around at the time when the book is set. I don't know for sure whether this is true as I'd have to read the book again and I don't want to do that but I thought it was worth mentioning. And well done to the reviewers for paying enough attention to the book to spot things like this.

I have another Louise Bagshawe book on my shelf waiting to be read – and I will read it. But to be honest, the thing that interests me most is whether it has a character called Victoria in. In both of the Bagshawe books I’ve read (the other is Tuesday’s Child), there’s a total bitch called Victoria. They’re not the same person. So what’s she got against Victorias? (Although I can’t think of anyone called Victoria I actually like…)

A Compromising Position (Carole Matthews)***

I like Carole Matthews’ way of telling multiple-viewpoint stories. I think she’s the only author I’ve ever found who’s had one first-person narrator and various people in the third person. It works well in the Chocolate Lovers series but it’s even better in this book. Maybe it’s because Emily is such a big character, you get used very early on to the fact that she features both as “I” and “Emily”. In the Chocolate Lovers series, first-person heroine Lucy is barely mentioned in the section from other people’s points of views but Emily is central to everything that goes on in the book.

It took me a while to get to like her. She spends a lot of time early on telling us how her friend Cara really isn’t normal. She does have a point about that. Cara is very New Age and into spells, massage and dreadlocks. But considering Cara has just come to Emily’s rescue by giving her a place to live when her boyfriend posted a saucy picture of her on the Internet, Emily probably should have been nicer about her.

Besides, it’s not as though Emily is so very normal herself. On the very first page of the book, she is wailing like a banshee in public. I might have been more forgiving if she was a natural crybaby but she manages to be very brave for the rest of the book even though her life is full of disasters. So the banshee wailing seems like attention-seeking to me.

Also, while I haven’t really delved into the sex lives of most people I know because I’m really not interested, I shouldn’t imagine most women spend their bedroom time dressing up in Saucy Santa outfits, writing Ho Ho Ho on their bottoms, and allowing their boyfriends to photograph it. She wasn’t to know that he was going to put it on the Internet and that her bottom was going to turn into one of the Internet’s most-viewed pages but still, I think most people wouldn’t do it in the first place. And if I’m wrong about that, I think I’d rather not know about it really.

When Emily says she’s a normal person, it’s difficult not to laugh. When she says she’s organised and competent, I found it hysterical. And then I found out she was a teacher… now I’m not saying teachers don’t or shouldn’t have a sex life but you just can’t take this book seriously.

A Compromising Position is loads of fun and Matthews really keeps you guessing. I had no idea who was going to end up with whom. Emily and Cara are both in love with Adam, whose ex-wife Laura is married to Barry but seems more inclined to share her problems with Adam. Emily’s ex-boyfriend Declan is also keen to get back with Emily, at least when he’s not enticing Cara into someone else’s hot tub.

Then there’s Chris, who is such a total typical lad, I was just waiting for him to fall in love. The fact he insisted on carrying a picture of Emily’s bottom around with him and kissing it made me wonder if he might fall in love with her. I quite fancy him actually. At least he knows what he wants from what girl (though it probably helps that he wants the same thing from all of them) and he’s honest about it. I don’t want to sleep with him though. I just want to look after him. So I’m not sure we’d get on. Then there’s this guy called Sebastian, who has connections to almost all the main characters but they don’t know he knows all of them. If they had known, this book would have been a lot shorter.

It is very funny the way Adam and Emily fall in love with each other at first sight (not that it stops Adam from shagging Cara and worrying about Laura, or Emily from considering taking up with publicist Jonathan Gold) without realising that they kind of know each other already. Adam knows Cara has a friend called Emily whose bottom has been on international news (he has seen a photograph of her but presumably he didn’t really look at her face) and Emily knows Cara fancies a guy at her work called Adam. But then they have a chance meeting in a bar when Emily’s dyed her hair (and isn’t flashing her bottom) and they don’t really talk. They just drool and Adam tells her she has sauce on her nose and Emily is so humiliated, she runs off. They then spend half the book trying to find each other. This does go on a bit long. There’s a limit to how many times Emily and Adam can narrowly miss meeting one another. When Emily finally realises who he is and she decides to jump out of the window in order to avoid meeting him, things really have got a bit silly.

So it’s definitely not a book to take too seriously. It’s quite satisfactory the way all the coupling works out in the end but there’s nothing to tell you these are the ‘right’ characters, or that they’re going to live happily every after. And it’s not all that realistic. Emily might be nice-looking but she’s thirty-two. About ten years older than most successful glamour models. And I’m sure that if I created a website and put my bottom on it, I wouldn’t start earning lots of money from it, like Declan does when he puts Emily’s nether regions on the Net. I’m not even sure how he does manage to earn so much money from it. Is it pay-per-view? Perhaps, but once the national newspapers have got hold of it, and once Chris has forwarded it to his Facebook friends, there’s no need to look at the original.

And it’s also a bit disturbing that Adam takes on a job as a porn photographer in order to prove to Laura that he can look after their son Josh when she goes to Australia to find herself. Josh takes it all in his stride – he seems to know a lot more about glamour models than Adam does – but I’m not sure Laura would be too happy if she knew about it. So Adam’s pretty much deceiving her in order to get custody of Josh, and I don’t think that’s fair. But the rest of the book is so mad, it’s hard to get too uptight over these little problems. I couldn’t ever see Emily, Adam, Cara, Laura, Josh and Sebastian as real people (Chris I believe in apart from the bottom-kissing) so it doesn’t matter what Adam does really. I was amused enough to keep reading but I didn’t care about the characters.

The Perfect Lover (Penny Jordan)**

In lots of ways, The Perfect Lover seemed more like part of a big blockbuster novel than a Mills & Boon. It was written as the fifth book in the Perfect Family series, which is about a big family that’s very rich and very close. Either the hero or the heroine of each book is part of the family – and in some cases, they both are. But of course, in a blockbuster novel, all the family members’ stories can happen at pretty much the same time. In a Mills & Boon series they have to take it in turn to fall in love.

A lot of The Perfect Lover is set in the past. In a previous book in the series, Louise was in love with her cousin Saul and wanted to spend some more time with him so she took Saul’s girlfriend Tullah into a maze (presumably a maze owned by the family) and left her there. It’s fair to say Saul didn’t exactly welcome her with open arms after that. In this book, we see how Saul’s rejection of Louise has affected her life. Her university work has gone downhill and her new tutor, Gareth Simmonds, is putting real pressure on her to direct her attention back to her work, which she doesn’t feel capable of doing.

We then have the parallel story of Louise in the present. She has graduated from university (albeit with a lower grade than expected), she has a good and very challenging job, and she’s a great deal more grown-up, with no romantic feelings for Saul whatsoever. Gareth reappears in her life when he gets a new job that is in some way connected to Louise’s job (I didn’t really take in all the details, it all sounded a bit boring) and they have no choice but to develop a working relationship.

If the story had been about Louise and Gareth rediscovering one another and falling in love, that would probably have made quite a good book. It would probably be quite a strange and interesting experience, meeting your old university tutor and discovering not only that he is human, he’s actually quite sexy as well. The fact that Gareth had once caught Louise crying drunkenly over Saul would only increase the embarrassment when they met again.

But Penny Jordan adds a twist to the story – one which for me spoils the book. Gareth and Louise don’t fall in love when they meet again – apparently they fell in love when they were tutor and student. And not only did they fall in love, they had sex.

Even if they’d admitted to each other that they liked each other, it would still have been a bit dodgy – I find it very unprofessional of Gareth to have sex with his student in any circumstances. But the fact Gareth didn’t know that she loved him makes it worse. As far as he was concerned, she was in love with Saul – and therefore on the rebound and in a bit of an emotional mess

Gareth and Louise don’t seem to love each other at all. They don’t even like each other. Gareth thinks Louise is a stupid, spoiled baby. Louise thinks Gareth is horrible and overbearing and interfering. And I agree with them – that’s exactly what I think of both of them. There’s no real sexual tension between them, or reluctant admiration, or a meeting of intellectual equals. It’s just Spoiled Brat meets Sex Mad Idiot. It doesn’t sound like a match made in heaven to me.

It’s true that Louise did, in a sense, invite Gareth to have sex with her. But it was hardly a romantic invitation. All she told him was that she just wanted to have sex – she didn’t care who it was with. Gareth than apparently “lost control” because he loved her.

Now, I have heard that men have less control than women. There is probably a point where they can’t help themselves. But there was never any need for Gareth to reach that point. He could, for example, have kept his clothes on. And his love for Louise really doesn’t seem like a good reason for taking advantage of her. Surely, if you love someone, the last thing you’d want to do is to take advantage of them when they’re vulnerable and force them into something you’ve got every reason to believe they don’t really want. Louise is unhappy and heartbroken – she’s in a situation where not many people would be able to think straight. She is a virgin at nineteen so she’s obviously waiting for someone special, and while Louise might think no-one will ever be as special as Saul, Gareth presumably knows there’s a good chance this won’t be the case.

I can quite see that Gareth might want to stop Louise from losing her virginity to the first random bloke who comes along but manhandling her onto the bed himself seems a bit off. Everyone quite rightly makes a big fuss when Louise takes Tullah into a maze and abandons her – it was a horrible thing to do. But I’d say Gareth’s behaviour is much worse. Tullah was probably frightened and upset but nothing was likely to happen to her. Louise isn’t going to get her virginity back. So why would Louise want anything to do with Gareth after that? Gareth didn’t rape her exactly but he did take advantage of her when she didn’t really know what she was doing

And wouldn’t he rather sleep with someone who actually wants him?

It would have been much more convincing if Gareth loved Louise enough to turn her down. The fact she propositioned him is still going to make her feel embarrassed enough to want to change courses. But this way, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Louise could still realise later on that she likes him. And the fact he was able to turn down sex that was offered on a plate is only likely to increase her respect for him. It must have been hard in more ways than one but Gareth could and should have said no.

Another problem with their relationship is, what does Gareth see in her? She might be pretty. She’s probably extremely intelligent. But as Gareth points out to her at every opportunity, she’s one of the most immature people in the world. (Trust me. It takes one to know one.) She might have the ability to pass a law degree, to argue her points convincingly, and to write a good essay about them. But that doesn’t mean she has the maturity to deal with adult relationships. You hear about child prodigies who go to university at ridiculously young ages and pass degrees but that doesn’t mean they’re capable of adult relationships. Louise probably should be capable of it – but because she’s had nineteen years’ experience of life rather than because she’s capable of passing a law degree. Gareth might admire her brilliant mind and she might have a nice body but emotionally she hasn’t grown up at all.

That’s not a criticism of Louise particularly. Everyone grows up at different rates (and Louise might well have had a very sheltered upbringing) and even if you’re not a bunny boiler, it probably is really hard when the guy you love marries someone else. But she is a baby, Gareth knows she’s a baby (he tells her so at every opportunity)… and yet he falls in love with her?

Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad if that’s as far as it went. He can’t help who he falls in love with. But the fact she lacks the maturity to know what she wants just makes his decision to have sex with her even more disturbing and creepy.

Then they meet up again three years later and they argue and Louise tells herself and the readers that she hates Gareth. And the only reasons I have for doubting her are that she’s in a Mills & Boon, and Saul has already been married off. But then right near the end of the book, she decides she does love Gareth after all, and she always has, and she didn’t love Saul. The girl just can’t make up her mind! Then she tells Gareth she loves him and Gareth says he felt the same way about her all along and he wouldn’t have slept with her if he hadn’t loved her. Well, that’s one point in his favour, but he still shouldn’t have done it and the fact that he did do it shows that he can’t have cared about her all that much.

I would love to believe that Louise and Gareth are perfect for each other. They do, after all, have two of my favourite names ever. But there was nothing in the book to suggest they would make a good couple. Most of their time together has been spent arguing and shagging. We never (except in the throes of passion) see them enjoying each other’s company. When Louise is a student, there is no indication that they like one another. That part of the story is told from Louise’s point of view and she thinks of nothing but Saul. Gareth said he realised he loved her when she was arguing passionately about something during a tutorial. But we’ve seen Louise argue. She sounds like a spoiled brat. A child.

So it’s a bit of a mess. For both of them. And when Louise blames Gareth for the fact she changed her degree course and didn’t get a first, I can only sympathise with her. What else was she supposed to do? Carry on having private tutorials with him? Regardless of whether she loves him or not, he’s shown himself to be unprofessional and a bit of a sex maniac.

It should have been interesting to see them getting to know one another again. It’s not every day you meet your university tutor who had sex with you once after you told him you wanted a shag and you didn’t care who with. But you hardly see them together at all. They snap at one another a few times (they don’t see one another that often) and then they both get involved in a crisis where they don’t really have much option but to be polite to one another.

True, Gareth gets to see Louise doing her job well, and later he sees her behaving in a mature manner during the crisis, which involves her cousin Jack. Louise gets to see that Gareth is capable of behaving responsibly and kindly towards a distressed teenager without getting into bed with them. But this only takes a day or two. The next day, they’re engaged.

As far as I can see, the marriage is completely without foundation. Whether they did secretly love each other or not, Louise has changed a lot. She isn’t a brat anymore (although she does a good imitation of one on the few occasions she can’t avoid talking to Gareth). She’s grown-up, responsible, and actually pretty boring. Gareth doesn’t know the new Louise well enough to know if he loves her or not. And Louise might go off him completely once she’s actually got him. Maybe she only loves the guys she can’t have. They don’t have enough time either to fall in love if they weren’t in love before, or to work out whether they still love each other.

It’s such a shame. Penny Jordan is a good writer and she has created some strong characters who would be really interesting if they weren’t the hero and heroine of a Mills & Boon and therefore expected to live happily ever after. In a big blockbuster novel it would probably make a great storyline as their relationship is so complicated and has various angles which can’t really be examined in a feel-good romance. They could take months, even years to get to know one another again. And if their marriage didn’t last a week – which I don’t think it would – it really wouldn’t matter.