Girl with a One Track Mind (Abby Lee)***

Abby Lee is obsessed with sex. Completely and utterly obsessed. She can’t even look at a man without thinking about his cock. Sometimes catching a sight of her naked reflection in a mirror is enough to turn her on because she can’t help imagining what it would be like if there was a naked man with her.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with girls being obsessed with sex. Whatever makes you happy. Except she’s not happy because she’s not getting enough sex. There’s nothing wrong with it though. And good for her for being so honest about what she wants.

You could call Abby a tart with a heart – but that wouldn’t tell you very much. Besides, I don’t think she is a tart. Maybe I’m wrong but for me tartiness suggests an element of unnaturalness. More about being seen as someone who has lots of sex rather than a desire actually to have it. Abby is one of the most completely natural people I’ve ever known of and the more you read, the more you see how much more there is to her than sex.

She is also an incredibly nice person. She’s caring, a good friend, and while sex is very high on her List of Important Things to Do, she does care about personality too and she isn’t so completely desperate she’d consider shagging either her best friend’s boyfriend or one of the random tossers who notices she has breasts and feel compelled to point them out.

She can even talk about how intelligent she is without making me want to throw the book across the room. Because she is intelligent, without a doubt. Extremely intelligent. And I worked that out long before she talked about her college grades. Maybe she doesn’t always know what she wants but as soon as she realises she doesn’t know what she wants, she starts using her brain to work out how to get it. Amazing woman. And I’m not just talking about her ability to have constant multiple orgasms although that is undoubtedly amazing too. (I don’t think I’ll ever look at Holloway Road in quite the same way again.)

Lee is a fantastic writer. She’s witty and self-deprecating and she has a lovely turn of phrase. It’s quite amazing how she can describe sex and masturbation and penises and nipples (male and female) in so many different ways and (at least for a while) keep it interesting. As well as writing a thoroughly amusing diary, the book is also interspersed with Comparisons between Big and Small Cocks, and guides for How to Behave at One-Night Stands and What Not to Do if you See a Girl in a Sex Shop. All useful stuff and she makes it funny.

I was a bit surprised though to realise she’d reached her thirties without going to a sex party, experiencing S&M or even kissing a girl. Even I’ve been to a sex party and been chained to the wall as a man kissed me (and I do mean just kissing) and I’m quite innocent really. As for kissing a girl, I’d be lying if I said I’d never done that. Once in a while a girl just jumps on me and as most of them were a little bit mad (well they’d have to be really!) it wouldn’t be a good idea to stop them even if I’d wanted to.

But when you think about it, Abby devotes so much of her life to sex already. It’s hardly surprising really if she hasn’t had the time to be bend backwards over a pommel horse and be soundly whipped (I have bent back over one with my clothes on but I kept hold of the whip and no I didn’t use it on myself, I don’t think self-harming is a very good idea). Why try something new that might be crap when she could be doing her favourite thing in the whole world?

But she literally does spend almost the whole book writing about sex (whether it’s with a man, a woman, one of each, a whole group or with herself) and once you’ve read 20 pages at a time it gets a little bit boring. Get a hobby, woman. Another one, I mean.

And really, anyone who spends quite that much time with soaking wet knickers, for whatever reason, really should consider incontinence pads.

Warning: don’t read this when you’re trying to eat breakfast. If there is one oral activity I love it’s eating and nothing kills the appetite like a pair of wet knickers.

I still love Abby though. I can’t help it, she’s just so lovely. Not to mention sexy. And I bet she’s helped a lot of randy girls to feel a lot more normal.