We Need to Talk about Kevin Keegan (Giles Smith)****

(yes okay, my football references are slightly out of date, I did write this review months ago)

Giles Smith is a journalist who seems to have had a regular football column somewhere or other. In this book, he collected some of his best work from 2005-2007 and put them all together. None of the articles are particularly serious in style – even when Smith starts talking about something serious he soon meanders off-topic (like I do sometimes, only funnier) and starts examining the strangest situations, whatever pops into his head. The articles are all very funny but many of then do have an underlying seriousness. While Smith’s Guide to Tapping Up is a hilarious read, at the same time it does make you think about how serious a problem it is. I wonder if Smith, as a Chelsea fan, can still see the funny side.

Even if he can’t, at least Manchester City are still ripe for the (piss)-taking. Joleon Lescott, formerly of Everton, seemed more than happy with his current side until Moneybags Man Shitty took an interest. Suddenly Lescott was doing all he could to make sure Everton wanted to get rid of him - although he stopped short of taking the Darren Bent route of advertising his availability on Twitter.

Perhaps Smith could even make the Emmanuel Adebayor-goal celebration situation amusing. I admit, when he scored that goal, I wished he was still with Arsenal. Seconds later, when he arrived at the other end of the pitch having raced at a speed never before seen from him on a football pitch, I was so glad that the unsporting twat was nothing to do with my team anymore. Man Shitty – you’re welcome to him. And if you want to see him run even faster than that, get one of the other clubs to offer him higher wages than you’re giving him. Then watch him go.

On second thoughts, I’m not sure that even Giles Smith could make that sound funny.

Smith’s articles also include imaginary football-related documents such as what the Uefa Pro Licence course might consist of, an overview of the different seating arrangements that might exist at the new Wembley Stadium, and a list of hobbies footballers could take up if disaster struck and a power cut meant and they couldn’t use their games consoles anymore.

There is an equally imaginary letter from the FA to a rather depleted England squad, with details of the itinerary for their summer tour of the USA. We read the diary of Fabio Capello after he becomes England manager and the inner thoughts of currently injured Aston Villa winger Stewart Downing on being the only member of the England squad without a Wag (he makes up for it later by finding a double-barrelled one). There are also many discussions, written with great seriousness, of unlikely but intriguing situations such as what would happen if Alex Ferguson and Harry Redknapp had a fight. (As long as they didn’t make it a topless fight I’d be happy with either outcome.)

Reality TV also gets a regular mention – although any footballer who appears on I’m a Celebrity, Strictly Come Dancing or Dancing on Ice is just asking to be ridiculed. As for those who are desperate enough to appear on more than one of them… well, they make the Wags on Wags’ Boutique look camera shy. I would love to go on Wags’ Boutique. I wouldn’t recognise a hair extension if it slapped me round the face (my hair doesn’t need extending, it gets long all by itself) but I would have been a great help when they were wondering what the third letter of ‘silhouette’ was. And while my “What does ‘high street’ mean?” might have filled my fellow Wags with despair, at least I know how many players there are in a football team.

I wasn’t so keen on Craig Bellamy’s Guide to Hitting People with Golf Clubs (why mention his one non-redeeming feature and ignore all the good stuff, like… anyway, moving on) and there was rather too much about England and not enough about Wales, and Smith really doesn’t know a thing about opera.

In one article, he claims that the cheapest seats at the opera are £75. As someone who has never paid more than £30 for a ticket(and rarely pays more than £10) I have to wonder which opera houses he’s been going to. At many venues, even the maximum price is under £75. Could you see a Premiership football match for £10 a time? Even at Hull City it’s £15.

In some ways it was probably more fun to read the articles in their original format, rationing yourself to one a week or however often Smith published them, but even in the age of the Internet, it might be time-consuming – and expensive – to find all the archived versions. So it’s great to have such easy access to so many of them in this volume. It is not a good book to read in one sitting - in order to enjoy each article properly, you don’t want to read too many at a time. So maybe it’s not one to take to the beach but I found it ideal for reading in the bath.